Let me explain about Perfect Ornament Placement Disorder

November 27, 2017

Cartoon courtesy of Jess Rae of Doodley Squat.

FOUR more sleeps until excitement reigns at my house.
Because Friday is the day I can finally put up my Christmas tree and decorations.
And I’m chomping at the bit.
The festive season is my absolute favourite time of the year and for as long as I can remember, my tradition of putting up the tree and decorations on the first of the month has never faltered.
It is a carefully planned day and nothing, not even sickness, stands in my way.
The day starts with a hearty breakfast and super-strength coffee because it’s going to be a big day.
Then I put on my go-to Nat King Cole Christmas album and let the tunes transport me to that winter wonderland.
If I had the money I would have a snow machine pumping out snowflakes through the house all month.
And I would have my house lights choreographed to Christmas music. It really is a shame I’m not rich (on many levels actually).
I guess the smell of baking gingerbread cookies will have to do.
Now, for the most critical part of the day — decorating the tree.
There is an art to this and it’s not a case of scattering decorations here and there.
Each decoration has its place, distributed evenly according to colour, shape and size across the tree.
I suffer from POPD — Perfect Ornament Placement Disorder.
Which I must say has become harder with children, who are more than happy to put a mass of decorations in one spot — exactly where they are standing.
But rather than let my blood pressure reach boiling point as I watch them mindlessly strew ornaments in a mass frenzy, I wait patiently (only the violent tic under my right eye gives any clue to the emotions within) until bedtime and then do the job properly.
Oh, and just another reminder in case you didn’t get the memo last year.
Always check the fairy lights before putting them on the tree.
Otherwise Christmas WILL BE RUINED!!
But there is another way to ruin the season — with tinsel.
It’s as cheap and nasty as a Prada knock-off and it is banned in my house.
In the past few years, some feebleminded people have thought it amusing to decorate my desk at work with tinsel.
So just a warning to those who attempt to poke the bear again. There are many other uses for tinsel that don’t involve Christmas celebrating.

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