Mama’s Neverending Story of flu symptoms

September 04, 2017

Cartoon courtesy of Jess Rae of Doodley Squat.

THE dreaded flu has hit me and I am not coping very well.
You see, when I get sick, I don’t just get the 24-hour bug.
I come down with all the symptoms — cough, sore throat, headache, blocked nose, chills, aches and pains, night sweats.
And they last at least a week — the longest week of my life.
It is the Neverending Story of flu symptoms.
My throat feels like sandpaper, making it extremely difficult to swallow, let alone speak.
Although, some people appreciated my husky voice.
Because it’s been such an effort to talk, speaking has been limited. Which many others also appreciated.
And the aches and pains had me feeling like a 90-year-old woman. In body and mind.
It not only took me twice as long to get anywhere, but to process and retain information.
My brain was so foggy, it took me at least five seconds just to answer a question.
People must have thought I had gone mad — staring at them blankly while they awaited a response.
And then to actually do my job, well that’s a fun story. 
I mean it’s taken me two days just to write this bloody column.
My brain literally turned into mush which then slowly seeped out through my nose.
I think I went though enough boxes of tissues to keep Kleenex afloat for the next 10 years.
I must have lost 5kg in boogers alone.
And probably in sweat too. One minute, I’m cold and the next I’m hot.
There’s nothing worse than waking up shivering in your own sweat. 
I’m really looking forward to menopause mind you.
And the pain doesn’t stop when I finally get well because the endless list of chores I didn’t get around to doing when I was sick will be waiting for me.
There is not enough time in the day to do everything when I’m healthy, so you can imagine how much gets done when I’m not.
The dishes are starting to overflow, the washing pile has become Mount Everest and the carpet looks alive.
I think it’s time to bring in some cheap labour (aka my children).

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